So, you are all probably wondering what this blog is all about and no its not about pregnancy. This blog is about the struggles that I deal with on an everyday basis that have been going on for as long as I can remember…. all the way back to when I was in my mother’s womb if you will.I want to share my story because I want others with the same struggles to understand that they are not alone
This is my story…
So most of you have probably heard of anxiety and have a perfect understanding of the term, correct? Well that’s what I thought too until I realized that this is something that I myself have struggled with all my life and didn’t even know until about a year ago. I have been told by friends from a very young age that I worry too much, but I always just thought it was because my mother always stressed the need to be cautious in pretty much every situation. It was not until I was much older that I realized that it was a serious problem. I remember the day that it finally clicked with me that I have an anxiety disorder. I had heaps of stress on my shoulders because my college class schedule was not arranged and had a few set backs before I could even begin to fix my schedule. My heart was racing uncontrollably for days, I couldn’t sleep, I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath at certain points, it was like I literally had no control. You Can imagine what happened next… my first panic attack. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. It only lasted for literally a short while, but it felt like a lifetime. I was hyperventilating and crying and I just felt hopeless. After that I was always worried I would come encountered with another attack, which gave me more anxiety.. shocker!
After that day I started putting the pieces together that I worry and stress about literally EVERYTHING and it wasn’t normal. I started noticing other things that I did or worried about that the average person didn’t. Something as small as running into someone I knew on campus and simply saying hello to them in my mind i’m like “I hope that didn’t come off as hateful” or “well that was stupid why did you say it like that.”Most people wouldn’t have given it a second thought, but something like that would stay on my mind all day. I cannot even begin to explain the countless nights of sleep i’ve lost worrying about things that ultimately do not even matter.
To give you a little tour of my mind i’ll give you a little insight on just a few things I worry about:
- driving (driving is terrifying, do people judge me or think I am incapable bc I waited so long to get my license)
- what my family thinks of me <——————
- what my friends think of me (many subcategories from these as well i.e. am i making my parents proud am I being a good friend, am I a person people want to be friends with)
- what people I don’t know think of me
- will I be a good teacher?
- Do people like me?
- will I ever find someone who treats me well and truly loves me
- Am I doing right by God (do I have the right set of beliefs)
- Talking in front of crowds, sometimes even my friends
- how I look (physically and how I am perceived as a person.)
- Will I be a good mother
- having to talk to people on the phone
And these are literally just a few of the things I worry about the list goes on and on and on.
This post is just the beginning of my evolving problem …